It’s so easy to walk through life and miss some of the most beautiful moments and miracles. There is a hidden, secret layer of life that exists right before us. It’s God, plain and simple. He exists and he is before us. We often miss him completely. Here’s an analogy. Have you ever seen a Fed-Ex truck? Many of us, myself included, have. Have you ever noticed the arrow between the ‘E’ and the ‘X’? If not, would you have naturally noticed it? For me, I had seen those trucks a million times but have never seen the arrow until someone had pointed it. It had been right in front of me, right in front of my face, the entire time.

Similarly, hearing from and seeing God in every day life is a lot like that. He is like a magic eye puzzle. He is there either right in front of us or in the immediate background of everything. If we just settle ourselves, rest our vision and be still (key word, still) he and everything he wants to speak to us will come into focus.

I often think we make hearing from God more difficult than it is. I know I often create similar environments from the last time God spoke in order for him to move and speak in the same way, but God is not to be contained. He can speak and move however, whenever and wherever he wants.

God sometimes feels so far away but he is as near as our breath. He is in the sky, the snow covered hills, the clouds and stars in the sky– everything you can see and even don’t see!

It may feel like God is far away, but here is a metaphor. God can not directly touch us like we can, human to human; there remains a barrier. It’s as if we are fish in a big cosmic bowl. Yet, God looks over us and in moments of him speaking or moving it’s as if he put his finger in the water bowl, swirling the waters above. We can see the ripple effects of this and we can know he has spoken and is God.

Let me start this out by saying this is not going to be like every other 2019 post about how I’m going to change the world and I’m going to start with my life—but actually, it just might be. I have a lot of things on my chest and I’d like to get them off and pour them into this blog post, starting here.
Insert witty title.
Sorry, but for today, I do not have one. Sometimes you have to have your entire self poured out, spent, burnt out, no reserve, bankrupt and completely empty before you can start over and build something epic. By the way, epic is still one of my favorite words.
Today was one of those days. I started by being out-of-the-way generous and kind, only to have my car battery drained at the gas station I was at getting something sweet for my sister. A stranger in line helped me jump start my car, in the cold—although I don’t know why he was in such a rush to get out of the cold. For some reason, older people have a harder time with the cold and as I’ve gotten older I’ve become better at ignoring it and pretending every day that it ‘isn’t that cold’. I don’t know why, but that is my coping mechanism.
Ok this post is titled free-pour because like at Starbucks when they free pour the foam you get some milk and some foam and it’s in no particular order. That’s kind of how my brain is working right now. I’m not going to spend too much time editing or pouring over this to make sure it’s perfectly coifed. This piece will be a hodge- podge of thoughts, but the main theme is 2019 and the changes I’m looking forward to making.
So I’ve never been too disciplined at keeping new year’s resolutions. I usually try to have a perfect seventy two hours, or until the newness glaze of the new year wears off and I’m back to blazing through my life sometimes lurching like a train, biting off more or less than I can chew. Right now, I’m voracious. I’ve had the craziest day. First it was my car… well let’s start over from the moment it struck 2019. The moments leading up to it were paradoxically paradise. But for the sake of the theme here, I’ll tell you what happened leading up to ‘Alexa’ notifying me that it was 12:00AM and directly there-after. FIRST, I had the best kiss of my life. Cole and I have been growing in what my friend B would call a ‘dizzying’ love. Although love changes, I’d like to think those magical moments can be kept alive when you ‘work your garden’ so to speak. This love is dizzying and it’s a ride and honestly I vascillate between the sheer panic and fear of trying to escape it, like that feeling you get when they push the button and the rollercoaster begins, to the exhilarating feeling when your stomach is in your throat and your body is experiencing g forces unknown on planet earth (at least when you’re living your life at normal speed 😉 Some days I’m drinking from a cutely patterned straw and other days I’m drowning in growth which feels much like drinking from a fire-hose. Regardless, at 11:58 or so, Cole began to kiss me and I got lost on earth for a good minute. Those sixty seconds or so were out of this world. As the 11:59 alarm hit we both grew in excitation, and he began to kiss me into 2019. It was epic. As we cuddled together holding the wine glasses my sister bought me, with two dollar and eighty something cent sparkling cider, wearing our robes from Hilton—I had not only had my best kiss ever, but I had celebrated my favorite new years and in the lowest key possible. This is life. This is what life is truly made of. But immediately after, things took a sour turn. The sparkle of the New Year had come and gone and my same me, with my same old problems surfaced immediately. Everything since then has been coming at me, being thrown at me, in lightening speed. It feels like I entered a black hole when I thought I learned to love myself—but really I was being sucked in and have been being shred to pieces at first slowly but now at rapid pace. It’s like even my atoms are shaking in their boots, because they know that they are up for destruction next. So it’s got me thinking. I believe everything happens for a reason, even the ugly things. I believe that God uses the bad things in our lives, and turns everything around for the good. I also believe in processes. I think I started a process and I believe that I’m in that process and it’s taking everything in me to go through it. I don’t know what happened, but I am starting to believe that its God’s doing—even though it is mostly excruciating. Note to anyone out there who says they will start to write a book—everything in you will rebel; to anyone who starts to actually write it—that book will begin to write you. In the words of my great aunt Verna, ‘So anyway..’ I’ve been in a 2019 warzone and I’m surprisingly keeping my head on straight. Every opportunity I’ve had to lose my cool, I have mostly stayed sane. I did however have a not so pleasant interaction with the library clerk, that ended in me screaming “I LIVE IN ROCKFORD” (apparently my apartment complex pays taxes to another city…don’t mess with librarians they are a special breed of je ne sais crois or whatever) I’m also typing this from the library where my apartment pays taxes because my laptop is deceased as of this afternoon, cause of death? Sprite. It’s visiting the medical examiner AKA rice, and the autopsy results are TBD. Haha. Have to add a bit of morbid humor, why? I don’t know.
So as I mentioned, my car battery died, my laptop is fried, and among other things I am at my wits end with the past few days. What I can tell you? I’m thirsty. For the past few years I’ve mourned the death of half of my life. I’ve realized that I’ve squandered half of it foolishly and have not stewarded my time circumspectly. It’s almost like my life has one of those cool old school sand timers and its huge and gold and made out of really expensive stuff and it’s been flipped onto the other side and I can feel the small sand pebbles going through the siphon. I have half of my life left if the good Lord let’s me have it—and the pressure to live it well is at an all time high. So that brings me to today… I haven’t had much time to sit and reflect because the holidays have been a whirlwind but by being at the library today (of which I love—there’s something about being surrounded by wisdom that feels amazing) I’ve decided it’s time to read again.
Among all the things I want to do with this year, reading is where I’ve decided I will start. Here are the books I have picked up. “You are a BADASS, how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life” by Jen Sincero, YOU DO YOU, how to be who you are and use what you’ve got to get what you want by Sarah Knight, Resisting Happiness, a true story about why we sabotage ourselves, feel overwhelmed, set aside our dreams, and lack the courage to simply be ourselves… and how to start choosing happiness again! By Matthew Kelly, BIG MAGIC, creative living beyond fear by (my personal favorite) Elizabeth Gilbert, You are a BADASS at Making Money, master the mindset of wealth by Jen Sincero.

Aside from that, I have decided I’m done being the underdog. I’m done allowing other people and their loud opinions to continue to drive my life. I’m done. I think reading these books will really help me get BACK INTO the right mindset for 2019. It’s time for me to decide who I’d like to become and go and start being it—and it’s always going to start and end with being myself. I think I was ahead of my time for a lot of my life as far as being unique and doing my best to own it. It’s hard to be yourself. It’s hard to know that you stand out and to let the pieces of yourself that others don’t like, get or understand—give them permission to exist willfully. It’s easier and more socially acceptable to conform. But that’s not right for me—it doesn’t sit right with me. I have to be who I am inside. I have to be all of me, even if it’s not the popular option—or the people’s first choice.
A quote I have been meditating on is that ‘to be great is to be misunderstood’. I am great, therefore I will continue to be misunderstood. It’s kind of like that Anais Nin quote
And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.
Anaïs Nin
It’s like the pain of remaining the same is too much to bear. It’s too painful to let other people and other things lead and drive my life. I can feel the tension of this dichotomy and it’s too much to bear anymore. It’s a weight and it’s a weight that I’ve carried willingly for too long. I carried it for longer than I realized and it’s changed my entire point of view. But–This is my story. I am the author of it. I have a say in how I live it and the last half of my life is going to be epic.
It starts with deciding that circumstances and people aren’t going to rule my day, week and especially year. And a few good books* 😉

*my doable action step for my right-now + in the moment.

‘C’ as in CHARLIE

nato phonetic alphabet

i wrote this before i knew you, inspired by disappointment but love was birthed by fate into our lives–greater than we could have ever imaged. dedicated to the Co-alic-ion. 😉

I don’t want the typical love story. Those cliche expected things that people do together bore me. I want an extraordinary love story. Easy to say, but hard to find. The kind of love that’s worn in the creases of an old black and white photo you carry around with you until you are old and gray. That serendipitous, instantaneous meet cute that leads to the slow start of an unending flame—all consuming love. The star-crossed lovers who meet when their two lives intersect by fate kind of love. The kind of love that is ushered in by the hand of God. 

living life quotes Fancy living your best life quotes living your best life quotes

my faith entered the dark room the first wednesday in january of two thousand and eight. since then i have been locked in on the wildest most exhilarating and at times excruciating journey of my life. there have been mountain top experiences that many live their whole lives just to taste the thrill, yet never actualize. there have been moments where i have been on my spiritual death bed, simply clinging to life and trying to make it to the next breath. regardless, i’m on the other side and on top. GOD is good. i wanted to emerge and encourage you in a big way. you might be sitting here on the edge of your seat feeling emptier than the deepest part of the ocean without hope to hold onto. i’m telling you, everything you need is deep within you but you will have to pull it out from wherever it is hiding. you might be at a loss and feeling the void of a great death, whether literal or figurative, and you can’t wrap your head around how you will heal. i promise you, with time and perseverance you will make it through this dark tunnel. you may just be happier than ever and wondering how it could ever get any better, and in that case, count your blessings and stay humble because we all know that every mountaintop high never lasts forever. regardless of where you find yourself, i am going to tell you a few things i’ve learned in the last ten years and why you are going to be just fine. i promise you regardless of your situation, everything will be okay and here is how i can back that promise up.

1. i learned that being authentically yourself is the most freeing thing ever. there are few things i’m terrified of, but letting my mask down and being who i really am on the inside outwardly scared the mess out of me, literally. the best thing i did was confront my fears head on and with transparency — showing myself clearly for all to see — and vulnerability — you know that feeling you get when you are fully exposed. those two words have changed my life. it’s said over and over to be yourself, be true to who you are, live your life. how cute. it didn’t make sense to me until it made sense and by then i had already had a revelation and just finally let go. for a really long time i could feel myself holding onto things i had to let go of. i knew i had to just stop caring what people thought about me and just be me, regardless of the outcome. can i tell you, when i found the courage to do it– and i can’t give you a magic recipe at the moment (stay tuned for a book in the future, i am calling it into existence because it’s a book that needs to be written and i know i can write it. as someone who others look to and say “wow, she’s so brave” or “she’s so bold” i think it’s amusing that i was the most afraid of letting light into this area of my life. trust me, for a long time i was carrie bradshaw at the honeymoon suite the day she went with her friends after her would-be husband left her at the altar, so to speak. i layed in bed, paralyzed in fear and believing every lie that came to me, with all the windows and curtains closed in drab darkness. it’s not until we can open this area of our life with abandon that we truly begin to feel free. i think i heard it said recently that when you pursue love, everything begins to open to you. it’s so so so so so so so so so true. yes, i needed that many ‘so’s. it was once prayed over me that i would begin to experience the unforced rhythms of grace and i strived for a really long time to live my life like that but it was truly always forced, haha. the situational irony! it’s like a little spiritual and emotional jumbo shrimp. regardless of where this finds you, keep forging your way to this truth. i promise you, you will land on it if you seek it tenaciously, and when you do, you will be forever glad you did. i know i am!
2. the more you love yourself, the more others around you will love you. the degree to which you can love and accept yourself is the degree to which you can give and receive love and your relationships and friendships will reflect that life giving truth. i never understood why i couldn’t make and keep friends or why my relationships suffered so much. i have to admit, my medications have been so fire lately and it has helped me to be my old self again. and this is my shameless plug on mental health and taking care of yourself. here it goes. drop fear, rebuke shame, and pursue peace in every area of your life, especially if it involves your mental health. you absolutely deserve to go through life with peace and joy at your side at all times. you will have your struggles like everyone else, but believe me when i say this…. if you struggle with depression or anxiety (and i’m lumping everything into that because there are various situations and i hate to miss one or the other) it is OKAY to not be OKAY. whoever lied to us and told us everything has to be perfect, perfectly happy, perfectly good, perfectly put together needs to get slapped. LOL. yes, i loled. sometimes i surprise myself, haha. social media is one of the greatest vehicles of deception not only from others but from ourselves to others and ourselves. so many thoughts on this, but to stick with this bullet, raise your hand and ask for help and don’t be silenced into your state of mind. two things, one, if therapy, a class, medication, a group, or anything self-care related thing is going to make your life a little easier on yourself when life is already so hard, why would you withhold that peace from yourself? Exactly, that’s silly. Second, advocate for yourself. nobody is going to stand up for you and your health if you don’t. make it a priority before it requires you to make it your priority. preventative care is so crucial, and especially for those of us who deal with depression or anxiety! taking care of your mental health, like any other serious health concern, requires persistence, patience and stick-to-it-iveness. don’t stop until you find peace. since i’ve found peace in my mind, i’ve been able to fully love and accept myself and that’s come with a lot of gratitude, prayer, and radical self acceptance. i realize that i’m human and that i will make mistakes and that if i run from them, i build walls but when i run towards them and pursue growth with a loving spirit, i win EVERY TIME. in doing these things, i have found that i’m not afraid to look people in the eye. i’m not apologizing for every little thing i perceive to be wrong or bad. i am honestly unapologetic about myself but i keep a humble heart and want to grow and improve in any area, all the time. you really can’t lose when you give yourself permission to take up space, while making room for others. let yourself be yourself. i wrote a really cool blog (i’m assuming) called “let yourself be yourself” i should revisit it.
3. listening is respect. i’m still working on this one to be honest, but relationships with others usually has very little to do with ourselves. i serve as a better friend and a better person when i’m listening and ultimately it is the highest form of honor and respect for the other person.
4. being in a healthy, growing romantic relationship is thrilling. i used to fear commitment and never gave myself to my relationships. relationships were such a sticking point for me. i always got caught up in looking for one, having emotional relationships that never panned out and were usually completely unhealthy for me! I would give my everything and my whole heart and all my love to the wrong relationships and into people that didn’t care for or appreciate me. i was so living lies because in my head, these people cared for me more than they actually did. they say that usually you change when it’s too uncomfortable to stay the same, and sadly that is so true for most people and especially me. “And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” ~Anaïs Nin. That’s always been a favorite poem of mine. Thanks Anaïs, whoever you are! I guess I finally got to the point where I was done taking it! Why would I want to continue to willingly accept the same treatment over and over again? I was accepting pain and hurt that I didn’t have to, that was entirely preventable. learning to say no to myself and others was one of the best gifts i gave to myself. as difficult as setting and maintaining healthy boundaries may be, and believe me asserting myself tactfully can be tricky, but i’m grateful for progress because that is all that is necessary. being with Cole is like looking at a mirror with lighting that shows everything! let’s just face it–he shows me how much i really need Jesus in my life and how good i really am at loving others and let’s just say i need a lot of work in that area. meditating on 1 corinthians 13 (the love chapter) has shown me that i really suck at loving. i am jealous, unkind, rude, i boast, i envy, basically everything you aren’t supposed to do, i do, and very well. to be honest, he’s so compassionate and full of grace for me. he brings so much health to my life and has brought me to where i am today–which is the best place i’ve ever been in my life. please hear me when i say this, i am GOOD on my own, but since he has come into my life, it is clear we are better together! he is a mirror for me, and although he is a calming force and peace in my life, sometimes he is the stick in the muddled water stirring up what needs to be dealt with. relationships are not easy, they are work. you’ve heard that a million times, but really, it’s an honor to choose him and to keep choosing him over and over again. that’s what love truly is. choosing an imperfect person that you love who you wouldn’t want to journey through life without. thank you cole for everything.
5. i am a world changer. okay cheesy and cliche, however!!!!!! it’s so true! for as long as i can remember, i’ve always wanted to be a powerful force wherever i go. i used to smile so much and honestly as i’ve gotten older i feel like i smile so much less. i remember that i would even smile so much, i’d be the only one around for miles and i’d still be smiling. i’m going to bring that back. i want to smile wherever i go, not just at church when i’m around all my friends. people always knew me for my relationship with God, whether they were believers or not and i guess the same is still true. i believe that God is the only one who can change your heart, soul and life. that kind of life change is eternal and to be honest, i see everything i do on earth as something that can be an impactful blessing or a mediocre moment. i know everything isn’t black and white but whatever you are doing is either making a positive or negative contribution. that’s the way i see it. last night i was in line and a lady had paid for her items but forgot to get a ‘print out’. there was a line and of course i wanted to get in and out, but something inside of me decided to choose kindness and allowed her to get in front of me (as long as the guy behind me was cool with it, which he was) that one choice spurned a whole chain reaction of kindness. the person in front of me felt compelled and let her get ahead of him and the woman in front of her apologized to her for stepping on her toes (i’m assuming she accidentally bumped into her when she turned around) it felt really good leaving that place last night to be honest. WE have the power to change our environment with every breath we take and ever second afforded to us. my goal is to be someone who is full of grace, compassion, kindness and positivity. i can use every one of my strengths for good, so why not? i am a world changer and so are you. everyone is made so differently and that gives us such unique ways to express so much good and positivity. i know that for a while the world felt so dark and it felt like a lot of times the good that i did got lost in the shuffle. i’ve had people not say a word when i open the door for them, or when i help someone when they drop something they have literally not even looked at or acknowledged me. it was so bad the girl waiting for her interview at starbucks observed it and couldn’t believe how rude she was to me. my response to her? she’s probably having a bad day, we have all been there. everything can be turned into a positive.
6. we truly have the power to control our mind and emotions–with a lot of practice and hard work in every moment. i’ve had moments of incredible self control over my mind. the most amazing thing is when you think about what you’re thinking about (as Joyce Meyers states in Battlefield of the Mind) When you set your mind to possessing self control over your mind and emotions, you can literally become one of the most powerful forces on this planet. you do realize, if you were to remain in complete control over your thoughts and emotions, you’d be unstoppable! the only person who truly holds the locks and keys to those areas of your life are YOU. now, this is easier said than done, however it’s possible with a lot of intentionality and hard work. sometimes i feel like when i’m flowing in this area (and trust me, it’s not an easy feat–let’s face it, usually i’m on the struggle bus in this area) it’s almost like you’ve taken the limitless pill. when you create a boundary between yourself and others, their actions and your emotions, your mindset and reality, you control the atmosphere of your life and of those around you. when you realize that, as eleanor roosevelt wrote, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, you truly give yourself permission to be your most authentic self. i find myself struggling in this area lately. it’s almost like as soon as you master one area, or so you think, you are tested and attacked mercilessly. as soon as i’ve cemented my identity, it seems that my confidence and security have been tested more than ever, now. the best thing you can do? catch yourself in the moment (when insecurity and fear rise up) and remind yourself that it’s okay to take up space, to have a place at the table, and that in most cases it’s insecurity and fear in others that causes them to respond towards you in the way that they do sometimes. take the pressure off of yourself and be free to be yourself.
7. sometimes you have to do it alone. it seems like nobody these days likes to be alone with themselves. think about it, a lot of people self medicate so they don’t have to face themselves and sit with their reality. sometimes in life, the answers don’t come right away and the only way through it is to walk alone. know that christ never leaves you, but sometimes mankind will fail you–friends, family and romantic love can be evasive. i remember for a long time my relationships weren’t healthy and i couldn’t find or keep love in any substantial way. i had many dark nights, tear stained pillows, and moments where i couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and i was truly alone. when i was an intern and in bible college, one night one of my peers spoke a word over me and a verse that has stuck with me for forever. 2 timothy 4:16-18
8. ¹⁶ At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me. May it not be charged against them.
   

   The Lord Is Faithful

   ¹⁷ But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. Also I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. ¹⁸ And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory forever and ever. Amen! (end) it felt like for a long time nobody was beside me and everybody had forsaken me. as painfully miserable those dark moments were, god didn’t ever take those trials away from me. some things you have to go through alone. there isn’t a cute answer for this, but this is the truth and i’ve seen it in my life.

9. stop apologizing for your light! all i will say on this one is that you can not apologize for who you are or the way god made you. you should of all people decide that there must be a reason that god made 7 plus billion people on earth with no same dna code or finger prints and that he designed you, not mass produced you. i never understood why people allowed fear (whether afraid or fear of man) to dictate how they will live their life including conforming to be like everybody else. stand out, let the rough parts of yourself have permission to come out so you can learn and grow from them and lastly, you SHOULD be different from everybody else, not because it’s something to do, but because you are unique and you truly should blossom into the incredible expression that only your spirit and soul can BE.
10. you made it through 100% of every bad day, moment, screw up, financial difficulty etc etc etc! you will make it through this one too. and if you pay attention to god and be on the look out for what he wants to and is doing, you will see his hand in everything at work in your life AND you will trust him when stuff hits the fan.
11. for sake of time i’m ending on 11 because it’s november and it’s late at night and coffee will only do so much at this hour! if there is anything you get out of this it’s to be yourself and learn to love yourself. i wish i could go back into time and have learned this lesson sooner because i feel like i would be much farther in my life, but can i tell you something? god never took away any pain, hardship, or dark night. he permitted it. in fact, now and only now can i truly see those moments and the strength and learning lessons i received from them and that taking them back wouldn’t be worth losing the wisdom i gained. don’t be afraid. fear is a life and joy killer. fear will do nothing but paralyze you if you let it. don’t get stuck playing into the hand of fear! just say no to everything fear related and as i once heard it said, fear and excitement are generally the same emotion–so if you ever feel yourself afraid, turn it into excitement. weird, i know, but i always use this example when i’m flying (because i’m not the biggest fan of it. say yes to things that scare you. say yes to dreams that are too big, they require more than just you. say no to things that waste your time and use your life wisely. one thing i realized is that i wasted a bit less than half of my life living crazily! i can’t tell you anything absolute, but what i can say is that the last half of my life i’m letting god have control over–because the old ways aren’t working out so well.

LAST LAST LAST,

my next post will be a letter to my old self, from the alicia today. should be interesting! also, exciting announcement–i’m finally onto something with a book idea (or a few). i finally know what i’m going to write about and an announcement hopefully will be coming soon!

xo with love, alicia

IG: withlove.alicia

Compassionate

Open

Lavish

Empath

• If your form emerged from stone, it would be recognized as a masterpiece. Locks and doors, keys and latches, all open to deep waters–deep, dark blue. You’re a human iceberg with ninety percent of depth below the surface. Life is such a weird thing. One minute you are a stranger living in parallel worlds that never intersect and the next you place your hand through a heart and enter into a soul. Strangers become friends and memories last beyond seasons and I want to be remembered for reminding you of your exquisite and limitless potential the value you possess. Our worlds collided by fate, and now every day is a new facet of beauty. Life with you is colorful, unexpected and always something exciting around the corner. You’re brilliant, exercise the muscle of your mind–forever. It, besides your heart and soul, are your greatest assets. Be careful with your self. Soothe your soul and tend to it as a garden, making time for it to be washed clean and filled up again. Guard your beautiful heart and learn from your past. Use your emotions to benefit you but never to make serious decisions by them. Anchor yourself in Christ and learn to hear from Him and receive from the Word the truth you need for every situation. As you save, so be your discipline with spending time with the Lord. Let Him fill the empty and broken places in your heart and soul. We are always a work in progress and we will never fully arrive. Celebrate your successes and don’t be disappointed by failures and mistakes, let those serve as opportunities for you to get excited about trumping them the next time around. The world is not black and white, very few things are all or nothing–I promise you. Don’t be afraid to try new things that are outside of your comfort zone. Do one thing that scares you every day– even if it’s just putting your ideas out there. Don’t make excuses for doing things that are necessary and important to you. Always put your well-being before your career. Your health, life, family and close friends you get only once in this life. Money comes and money goes and we will always dance with it for as long as we walk this earth. Enjoy this life and get everything out of it that you can, but equally prepare for the life after this. The older you get, truly, the faster it goes. One day you will wake up and have lived almost half of your life, make sure when your eyes open on that day make damn sure you are happy with what you have set up for yourself, but remember you will never fully figure everything out. The best thing is when you let God lead your life, that’s where the greatest peace and joy is. Don’t be so quick to settle down and establish a life with someone. Commitment isn’t just an achievement or plaque to put on a wall. Who you enter into covenant with will become your entire future. The wisest thing is to take your time learning to love yourself and discover yourself inside and out, while letting God reveal to you who He has created you to be and His purpose He has for you. You will be blessed in all you do when you follow wisdom and get understanding. Find your perfect balance between making things happen and letting life come to you. Ride it easy. Like when I sit back on your bike and release my grip, so should we in life let things naturally fall into place. If today was my last day with you, I’d want you to know you are absolutely flawless like David by Michelangelo. There is nothing you lack, physically, mentally, emotionally and in every way. You are a wonderful, beautiful, gem. You are rare, valuable and worthy. I’d want you to know that you deserve what’s actually the best, not just what you think you deserve because I promise you they are two different things entirely–but once you fall in love with yourself and settle into your worth those two will align. I’d want to thank you for stepping up and being present in my life. I’d thank you for coming in at a low place and lifting my head and reminding me of the way I deserve to be loved, worshipped, cared for and treated. Can’t wait to ride your first roller coaster with you. Can’t wait to see what you say or the expression you make that makes me laugh next. I can’t wait to see what else you challenge and hold me to next. Can’t wait to share that bottle of champagne with you later. Can’t wait for our next six hour phone call, or the I’m late to work text. I’m kidding, about being late. You keep me safe, and I’ll keep you wild.

To be continued.

Elation fills up my soul today. I’m happy because I always overcome. Pain comes in like a flood overtaking me, changing me. As it washes out, I am filled with a quiet peace. Intimacy has made itself one with me through standing strong against the storm. From it, I’m forged. Day by day, little by little. I’m tall, confident, imperfect but aware of myself in awe. I’m starting to remind myself, tell myself, encourage myself in all that I believe in. Good things will come to me. Love will find me again. I’m not what I think about myself. I’m more than what I think of myself. I’m noble and exalted, noble one of truth–my names DNA. Royally adopted, anointed, kind, generous, lavish, welcoming, compassionate, emotional, intuitive, often discerning, and full of love. I wear his initials.

It’s like all the color just bleeds out of me and I’m left with grey. I need respite but I can only pray. Mounting health concerns and shifting mind, make it hard for myself to find.

pray for me

waiting out the storm

trying to figure out what next steps