Let me start this out by saying this is not going to be like every other 2019 post about how I’m going to change the world and I’m going to start with my life—but actually, it just might be. I have a lot of things on my chest and I’d like to get them off and pour them into this blog post, starting here.
Insert witty title.
Sorry, but for today, I do not have one. Sometimes you have to have your entire self poured out, spent, burnt out, no reserve, bankrupt and completely empty before you can start over and build something epic. By the way, epic is still one of my favorite words.
Today was one of those days. I started by being out-of-the-way generous and kind, only to have my car battery drained at the gas station I was at getting something sweet for my sister. A stranger in line helped me jump start my car, in the cold—although I don’t know why he was in such a rush to get out of the cold. For some reason, older people have a harder time with the cold and as I’ve gotten older I’ve become better at ignoring it and pretending every day that it ‘isn’t that cold’. I don’t know why, but that is my coping mechanism.
Ok this post is titled free-pour because like at Starbucks when they free pour the foam you get some milk and some foam and it’s in no particular order. That’s kind of how my brain is working right now. I’m not going to spend too much time editing or pouring over this to make sure it’s perfectly coifed. This piece will be a hodge- podge of thoughts, but the main theme is 2019 and the changes I’m looking forward to making.
So I’ve never been too disciplined at keeping new year’s resolutions. I usually try to have a perfect seventy two hours, or until the newness glaze of the new year wears off and I’m back to blazing through my life sometimes lurching like a train, biting off more or less than I can chew. Right now, I’m voracious. I’ve had the craziest day. First it was my car… well let’s start over from the moment it struck 2019. The moments leading up to it were paradoxically paradise. But for the sake of the theme here, I’ll tell you what happened leading up to ‘Alexa’ notifying me that it was 12:00AM and directly there-after. FIRST, I had the best kiss of my life. Cole and I have been growing in what my friend B would call a ‘dizzying’ love. Although love changes, I’d like to think those magical moments can be kept alive when you ‘work your garden’ so to speak. This love is dizzying and it’s a ride and honestly I vascillate between the sheer panic and fear of trying to escape it, like that feeling you get when they push the button and the rollercoaster begins, to the exhilarating feeling when your stomach is in your throat and your body is experiencing g forces unknown on planet earth (at least when you’re living your life at normal speed 😉 Some days I’m drinking from a cutely patterned straw and other days I’m drowning in growth which feels much like drinking from a fire-hose. Regardless, at 11:58 or so, Cole began to kiss me and I got lost on earth for a good minute. Those sixty seconds or so were out of this world. As the 11:59 alarm hit we both grew in excitation, and he began to kiss me into 2019. It was epic. As we cuddled together holding the wine glasses my sister bought me, with two dollar and eighty something cent sparkling cider, wearing our robes from Hilton—I had not only had my best kiss ever, but I had celebrated my favorite new years and in the lowest key possible. This is life. This is what life is truly made of. But immediately after, things took a sour turn. The sparkle of the New Year had come and gone and my same me, with my same old problems surfaced immediately. Everything since then has been coming at me, being thrown at me, in lightening speed. It feels like I entered a black hole when I thought I learned to love myself—but really I was being sucked in and have been being shred to pieces at first slowly but now at rapid pace. It’s like even my atoms are shaking in their boots, because they know that they are up for destruction next. So it’s got me thinking. I believe everything happens for a reason, even the ugly things. I believe that God uses the bad things in our lives, and turns everything around for the good. I also believe in processes. I think I started a process and I believe that I’m in that process and it’s taking everything in me to go through it. I don’t know what happened, but I am starting to believe that its God’s doing—even though it is mostly excruciating. Note to anyone out there who says they will start to write a book—everything in you will rebel; to anyone who starts to actually write it—that book will begin to write you. In the words of my great aunt Verna, ‘So anyway..’ I’ve been in a 2019 warzone and I’m surprisingly keeping my head on straight. Every opportunity I’ve had to lose my cool, I have mostly stayed sane. I did however have a not so pleasant interaction with the library clerk, that ended in me screaming “I LIVE IN ROCKFORD” (apparently my apartment complex pays taxes to another city…don’t mess with librarians they are a special breed of je ne sais crois or whatever) I’m also typing this from the library where my apartment pays taxes because my laptop is deceased as of this afternoon, cause of death? Sprite. It’s visiting the medical examiner AKA rice, and the autopsy results are TBD. Haha. Have to add a bit of morbid humor, why? I don’t know.
So as I mentioned, my car battery died, my laptop is fried, and among other things I am at my wits end with the past few days. What I can tell you? I’m thirsty. For the past few years I’ve mourned the death of half of my life. I’ve realized that I’ve squandered half of it foolishly and have not stewarded my time circumspectly. It’s almost like my life has one of those cool old school sand timers and its huge and gold and made out of really expensive stuff and it’s been flipped onto the other side and I can feel the small sand pebbles going through the siphon. I have half of my life left if the good Lord let’s me have it—and the pressure to live it well is at an all time high. So that brings me to today… I haven’t had much time to sit and reflect because the holidays have been a whirlwind but by being at the library today (of which I love—there’s something about being surrounded by wisdom that feels amazing) I’ve decided it’s time to read again.
Among all the things I want to do with this year, reading is where I’ve decided I will start. Here are the books I have picked up. “You are a BADASS, how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life” by Jen Sincero, YOU DO YOU, how to be who you are and use what you’ve got to get what you want by Sarah Knight, Resisting Happiness, a true story about why we sabotage ourselves, feel overwhelmed, set aside our dreams, and lack the courage to simply be ourselves… and how to start choosing happiness again! By Matthew Kelly, BIG MAGIC, creative living beyond fear by (my personal favorite) Elizabeth Gilbert, You are a BADASS at Making Money, master the mindset of wealth by Jen Sincero.
Aside from that, I have decided I’m done being the underdog. I’m done allowing other people and their loud opinions to continue to drive my life. I’m done. I think reading these books will really help me get BACK INTO the right mindset for 2019. It’s time for me to decide who I’d like to become and go and start being it—and it’s always going to start and end with being myself. I think I was ahead of my time for a lot of my life as far as being unique and doing my best to own it. It’s hard to be yourself. It’s hard to know that you stand out and to let the pieces of yourself that others don’t like, get or understand—give them permission to exist willfully. It’s easier and more socially acceptable to conform. But that’s not right for me—it doesn’t sit right with me. I have to be who I am inside. I have to be all of me, even if it’s not the popular option—or the people’s first choice.
A quote I have been meditating on is that ‘to be great is to be misunderstood’. I am great, therefore I will continue to be misunderstood. It’s kind of like that Anais Nin quote
And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
It’s like the pain of remaining the same is too much to bear. It’s too painful to let other people and other things lead and drive my life. I can feel the tension of this dichotomy and it’s too much to bear anymore. It’s a weight and it’s a weight that I’ve carried willingly for too long. I carried it for longer than I realized and it’s changed my entire point of view. But–This is my story. I am the author of it. I have a say in how I live it and the last half of my life is going to be epic.
It starts with deciding that circumstances and people aren’t going to rule my day, week and especially year. And a few good books* 😉
*my doable action step for my right-now + in the moment.