Stand Still

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I’m having a Carrie Bradshaw moment, and not in that Rated R kind of way. As I sat doing my daily pre-bedtime rituals, I sat there thinking a million thoughts in my head. I had this kind of agitation that only comes at certain times. You know, the kind where you know when you rest your head on your pillow at night, you know that you won’t be able to fall asleep. Immediately I knew I was supposed to write. It’s been so long that I fear my fingers have been collecting dust. My hands have been used for carrying heavy things, running from one place to the next with my role and many thoughts have come and gone without a single click to the keyboard. So much has happened since I’ve last written. You wouldn’t believe it, even if I told you.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that my work has consumed my life, and not the kind of work that I’m LIFE passionate about. What am I passionate about anymore? Sometimes it seems in life as soon as I think I’ve found direction, as I begin to see myself moving in one singular direction, something comes along and thwarts the plan and I’m left sitting in the dust trying to collect the particles that fly all around me. Does this even make sense? It’s like my life is in a perpetual standstill. Where am I going to go from here? Why am I here? Will I ever make it to where I know I am meant to go? So many people live their entire lives and never realize or act upon their calling. Here I am, a called writer, and I’ve been working to no end. Working and working and working, but not crafting my trade.

What do you do when you find yourself in that predicament?

What do you do when you don’t really know what to do? With yourself? With your life?

Honestly I have felt so lost. I am succeeding so well in my career. I was ranked #1 in my entire company for my role for the month of November, but I can tell you that on many, many occasions, I thought about ending it all. What do I have to live for? I’ve played the game of life for so long, and yes I have done many incredible things. When I look back over my life I can string a bunch of memories together that make for incredible stories. On the outside, it seems as if I have it all. I could tell story after story of miraculous moments and grandly favored experiences, where others would be in awe. I’m sure some people look at Adored Above and at my Facebook and think that life is just peachy for me. Can I let you in on a little secret? I’m one of the most talented and capable individuals I have ever met (although there are many more talented and many more capable) YET, I have no idea what to do next. And honestly, that makes my talent and abilities seem so much less than they are. How can I make a lasting impact on the World, when I can barely get through mine each day? It’s not as if I’m not able. I am. It’s just that my mind is waging a war, and the enemy is myself. One thing I can tell you, and it’s not that I have it figured out, is that your thoughts truly have a huge power over your destiny. On the day that I wanted to give up completely, I couldn’t think of anything to ease my pain and confusion. I couldn’t see my way out of the hopeless mental fog. Yet when I least expected it, I found out that I had achieved my goal without even realizing I had done it. In a moment, all of those long hours, sleepless nights, grueling shifts, miles and miles spent driving, and days I barely ate AMOUNTED to something, and something significant. Yet, even with all the success, there is something to be said about a quieted and content mind. A mind and soul at peace and at rest within oneself. I don’t claim to have all the answers. Honestly, if I had all the answers, I wouldn’t be writing out my frustrations for all to read. I would certainly be in a better position than I am today. But the fact of the matter is….

Regardless of how I feel, I have value. I may not feel valuable. Honestly, more times than not (and I am not proud to admit this) I have a hard time seeing my worth. Head knowledge is very different from heart knowledge. I can know the facts about my successes and my life, but if I don’t believe it in my heart it is just words on a page, a thought passing by like a shooting star fading out into the distance.

Every person reading this can relate to this feeling. If you can’t, I want your Wheaties for breakfast. Bottom line is that life is a crazy journey. Sometimes you can feel like you are on top of the world and the sun rises to greet you. Other days, you are as good as the gunk on the bottom of some random persons shoe. 

I feel like I’m posing a problem that I have a hard time finding a solution to. Maybe that’s part of the point? I know I’ve spent many years struggling with this, but it’s not something I want to struggle with forever. I don’t know how to get out of this rut I am in, but I know that it’s better to do something than nothing. So what do I do?

I honestly don’t know. I take life day by day at this point. Sometimes standing still is helpful and just right. Other times, standing still is just not the best route. I may not be able to climb the highest mountain in a day, but I can certainly take the first step.

I might not understand all the reasons for why things are the way they are in my life, but what I can do is take a small step to learning more, growing, and towards one of my dreams, goals or visions.

Hopefully this is helping someone, because I honestly feel like I’m rambling. Maybe today is that small step. It’s been a long time since I have written and I am rusty. But the fact that I am putting action to my future dream of writing in a tangible way today…. maybe that is the point. That small, but impactful step.

And on that note, I am going to bed.

See you soon, xo

~Alicia

One thought on “Stand Still

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