i am trash. the rain from yesterday is still raining down on my lifeless body. i might as well be a body floating in the river, thrown away without regard. the color of my face is pale, yellow. i’ve never seen myself so disgusting before. i almost look dead. my hair is mussy, almost as mussy as me. the dark figure is reminding me of the blade, and it’s calling my name. I cry and the rain agrees with me. My tears mix with the downpour as I sit under the angry sky without putting up a fight. I watch as people leave my side and realize everything good never mattered anyway. people are fickle. they only are in anything for whats in it for themselves. nobody really cares about anyone anymore. I study the river as it roars by. I wonder what it would feel like to take all my fucks and align myself with the tide of the river. I size it up. it’s a beautiful place for my resting spot. i think of my softened pale body being found months later, and all the trouble law enforcement would go through to find me, with their half efforts. they know they’ll never find me with the racing current, but they do their obligatory search because that’s what society expects of them. i retreat to my room where for the last few days i let xanax and valium wash away the days i can’t cope with. what a pathetic existence i live. i’m a cunt. i live on welfare (he’s misinformed) i’m the pillsbury dough boy, a skank, he pays for me to live here with his blue collar construction job. little does he know i could have stepped on him with my michael kors kitten heeled slides two years ago and i’ve made more money than he’s probably ever seen in his life. he called me psychotic. he’s lucky i didn’t unleash the crazy inside of me. his ass would have went to jail. you know what as much as i’ve decided to give up on humanity for right now, sliding into the river, or slicing my wrists like i wanted to would have let him win. and he’s the most disgusting piece of shit i’ve ever met. kinda funny how you asked me to spend the night last summer but i turned you down. or when you dropped by and kissed me when you were dating presumably the same nasty bitch you are now. or how you’re fucked up in the head because you saw your best friends pieces of brain splattered all over his truck and admitted to me on that boat ride you’d murder. i’m sure you will rot in hell. every bad word you spoke will turn on you and haunt you, assault you, and rain down on you with bad luck and more bad luck. i hope when you contract a disease it’s both painful and excruciatingly embarrassing for you. I pray your pride is utterly destroyed and you cry because you realize how far from human you really are.
and to the self righteous christians reading this, fuck you too. none of you have been a friend to me, you all judge me and act like your lives are more important than mine. You don’t love what you can not understand and you run around acting like the mission of a man and an organization is more important than the life and ministry of Christ. how back assward that is. if you’re stuck up, get over yourself. some of you i don’t even know what happened to you. if i have to look at you and say i don’t want to be like you, than there really is a problem. i don’t need you to fulfill my destiny, i don’t have to live the way you say i should because that’s what “god blesses” and I am well taken care of by my father though moments of health and moments of sickness.
good thing you dont determine my worth, value, or position in the kingdom. hahahaha.