I’m pretty sure that life is an enigma that I will never fully understand. When I compare myself to the journeys of others, my life seems like a complicated, unsolved math problem–that makes absolutely little sense to me and no sense whatsoever to others. I love to hate math and I know a lot of people who would agree with me. There’s always that inside joke that mentions how little of the math skills we use post-high school–but really. I was watching an episode of Doomsday Preppers, shockingly my first episode and probably my last. However, there was a lot of math behind all of the work that was being done to carefully construct these doomsday projects that would hopefully preserve their life in the somewhat unlikely event of an apocalypse. You never know, but I watched on as one of the men used a tape measure unlike I’d ever seen it been used before to measure the ground of his property. I guess there is a use for math in the world sometimes.

I often wonder about the complexities of my life. Sometimes it seems like for a great stretch, I’m perfectly in the will of God and I’m moving forward and making especially great progress. I suppose overall I am making progress. I know when I look back over the years and see how much I’ve changed and what I now know, I am grateful for God’s sovereignty, opening doors for me and deepening my maturation. But, when I look at the road before me, unless I’m living life a certain way or doing what I think I should be doing, which sometimes feels unauthentic to me, I don’t feel like I’m quite going in the right direction–sometimes I feel like I’m just stuck on the river with my motor shut down and I’m drifting at the mercy of the river that I can not control. I live on a river. It’s not always easy to see the accurate speed of the current below the water–but when the water bloats and rises, water is often stuck racing through the dock, trees, and stones once uncovered. I often feel like life is like that sometimes. It’s almost like a lack of clarity and depth perception with your direction–like a fried gps system of very little use.

Living a life where you are called to greatness, have a vision, dream and plan for your life–but have a disability that severely alters your reality you often succumb to fear because you don’t know what is truth anymore. Your line of vision can get blurry and lead you in the wrong direction. You think you have a lead, but as you begin chasing it you fall victim to yet again another failed idea and again find yourself searching for your purpose all over again. Are my ideas really good enough? What passions and dreams should I be pursuing? Am I living up to my calling? What road do I need to be on to get there.

I’m not going to insert a Jesus line here, because I very well could regurgitate the sermon on Sunday which very simply talked about prayer and reading the Word. Those are extremely important and I recommend them. I think I’d rather just land on a place that speaks to the person in the journey. I saw an image of a woman walking through a forest and she was lost. In compassion, God just showed me a simple truth of just getting back on the path. Maybe that is a Jesus answer, but I did see this imagery for this piece which I haven’t really incorporated. I guess sometimes we hold on to things that God has already forgotten about. We probably place unnecessary stress and expectation on ourselves. One of my old friends once told me that the will of God is becoming more and more like Jesus. One thing I’ve learned in surrender, which is still a work in progress and probably always will be–is that I think God cares less about where we get to and more about who we are becoming. Of course there are dreams, passions, plans and a calling–all that is part of the journey, but I find that God is most interested in us.

So my life is a beautiful hot mess. So I have done amazing things and now I celebrate making the bed. Times have changed and my season is different but I serve the same God that still wants to be in relationship with me. In this season He has spoken that NOW is the time, and that I must REST. He has also spoken that these days are my TRAINING GROUNDS. I may not be where I want to be, but I need to remember that God is more gracious than I can comprehend. I’m not in a race to become someone or something. There is a benefit of resting and learning, before becoming. His ways are higher than our ways. So whenever you feel off the path a little, keep it simple sweet heart. Keep close to Jesus and you will have everything you need. He will show you everything you need to know and will tell you when you need to know it. It’s as simple as just coming back to Him. One of my favorite Pastors recently said that all we need to do is keep sprinting back to Jesus. Every time.

I am going to do something I feel like I haven’t done before on Adored. I want to model to you what I’m talking about, because it’s not as complicated as we make it–and I feel like I’m not sure if I’m on the perfect path, but I’m trying and I want to tell God, I need Him and want to be right with Him.

Jesus,

I need you.

I feel like I’m doing my best, but someday s I wonder if I’m just making excuses for myself. I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I pray you would really very clearly show me. I’m sorry for the ways I’ve failed you lately and honestly, I know you love and forgive me, but because of how much I love you–I’m not proud of myself. I just ask that you’d cover me in your love and grace and get me back on the right path. Help me to know when to go, when to stop, when to rest. Help me to seek first the kingdom, your righteousness because I KNOW that’s when you add all things I need to my life. Please provide for me, bless me & keep me in everything I do. Amen.

p.s. remember that walking with God is not a tight rope. it’s a field that’s filled with wide open spaces of graces (someone once told me that, and it’s stuck) xx a.