Musings on a train

Sweat beads off the hills of my cheek. I wipe it off like the smile I hide when I turn in at night. I hold back deep, dried out wells of tears. I can’t bring myself to heave and sob like I did when I cried out to God. Instead I tell myself to turn up the song on the radio to drown out the thoughts of you that try to flood my mind. You’re just another replica of an empty promise, a frustration and heart ache to carry around me until I can let go. I try to fill you with text book perfect men. They soften my edges but they don’t fill the hollow hole where I first decided you’d reside. You’re not perfect. You’re far from it. But something in me wanted to find love and discover everything else I could with you. My soul breathed fresh air when we collided. For a second I thought my soul met its mate. It was instantaneous. Everything I wasn’t looking for, suddenly becoming everything I want. But now you are far away scaling mountains and I have to keep my heart untethered. And all my loves come crashing down. I’m certain of all of them I am better off now. Then I think of the man I will one day meet, who won’t have an anything but a burden to know and love me. I sit tight, breathe in love for myself and continue falling into deeper realms of self freedom. Are you my serendipity? Probably not, but we shall see.

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