This is my first post of 2018 and I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I am going to be completely transparent and real with you. In the past few years I have slept most of my life away, sat through grueling therapy sessions, and spent six months in a group therapy program. I’ve moved out on my own, not without it’s challenges but I’ve kept my head above the water every step of the way. I have had moments where I felt like I was going to give up and hurt myself, but I never let myself believe that was a viable option. I went from a rising star in my career that afforded me unbelievable leverage at a very high corporate level, to falling into the pit of hell, enduring moments I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I lost a good friend to suicide, someone who I’d give a lot to have back in my life for moments where I need clarity. I went from being in a completely unhealthy place short of insanity to where even at times my will was not my own–to climbing out of the grave my illness tried to dig up for me. It’s been bitter cold–burn your fingers off cold digging and clawing my way up. Through all of the muck, I found that I had lost my identity. This is still true today. I’ve turned into something and someone I don’t even recognize. Boring, uninspired, unchallenged and so much of my soul dies when those things aren’t fulfilled in my life. I feel like I can’t get those things from other people and I know that I have to start fulfilling those things in my own life. I am the only person that can make and keep me happy after all. Over time I have become more and more healthy. I’m re-evaluating what I really believe and what I find to be true and what is my truth. I’m realizing it’s okay to not fit into boxes that people or religion wants to fit into. I can feel other people judging me and assessing how I do or don’t live up to what they expect from someone in their life, but I am realizing that by measuring myself by their standards I am losing my individuality and compromising my happiness in life. I don’t know if I want to be here, or where I want to be, but I know a few things I want to do this year. I want to travel more. I want to legitimately save up and go outside of this country this year. I want to spend more time with God and myself. I want to romance myself and fall in love with myself through soul searching and really figuring out who I really am. I know who I am and I’m confident, but I got caught up in putting my identity in the wrong places. It’s so easy to build your identity around your career as if that’s what makes you valuable and successful–but really my marriage and divorce to my career showed me that all that I put into that wasn’t the point. It was the people I touched along the way. But we all seek to validate ourselves to ourselves and even to others and careers and money and fame and influence are all misleading places to put our worth. I have to decide who I want to be and how I want to live out my remaining life. There are a million ways this thing could go and I don’t want to just give in to the ease of settling for whatever comes along. I’ve been doing that for two years and it’s horrible. I’m not happy in this town, but I know if I don’t become happy with myself here I wont be happy anywhere. We can run far and fast but we can never outrun ourselves because we are always with ourself–we can’t outrun our problems, because they will always follow us. I love adrenaline seeking adventures, so I will have to figure out how to fulfill them. I’d love to skydive over blue water, perhaps the Belize Blue Hole or in Hawaii–maybe the air up there will be warmer haha. I love rollercoasters and I need to be sure to ride so many this summer. I know my biggest priority is getting back to a healthy and in shape self. It’s really sad that people put so much on looks and body shape and I don’t think my worth should be judged by it, but it has been. Regardless, I want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my body. It’s important, regardless of what other people expect of me. I used to be so good at writing but sometimes I think all the medications make me boring and my work seems lackluster. I feel like I wont even post this either, but I probably will because I spent time on it–but I think it’s not worth reading. That’s okay, I’ll get better at it. I want to figure out what kind of book I can write. I’ve had a few ideas but haven’t followed through. I’m really bad at this. in 2015, Adored Above had 2,971 views and 1,294 visitors and over 1,100 visitors the previous years. Last year I had 424 visitors with 1,386 views. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years. I know they don’t understand the changes going on inside of me or how I feel about myself or my illness. Some of them I’ve done damage to cause them to leave and for that I’m sorry and I admit it’s my fault. Some of it could have been controlled, but I’m sure a lot of it couldn’t have been. Maybe people were more interested because they were more engaged in my life because of the way I projected myself–I wanted to present my best self but underneath the surface I was lost and trying to be something I saw others being and thought that’s what it looks like to be influential. Regardless of all of that, and the numbers and statistics, I don’t do this for attention. Sure we all love affirmation and I do love attention, but despite my human nature, I really want to live a BIG life doing BIG things that help people in BIG ways. I want an outlet to put my work out there and I also want to do something meaningful. I want to change peoples lives, even if it’s just telling them I’ve been through hell and that they can hold on just a little longer, that they too can come out at the other end standing tall. It is not easy. It sometimes takes baby steps and other times it take leaps of faith–not to sound cliche. I know my journey to health wasn’t linear. Sometimes it felt like it wasn’t progressing at all. Sometimes wisdom was just to rest. A lot of times that was the best decision for me and sometimes the safest feeling. Then there became this nagging feeling that would come over me. I knew I wasn’t being productive and I was capable. I was getting bored with all the time I had on my hands. Nothing seemed appealing though. I finally started looking for jobs. I’m still in process for that, but it feels good to start to have some purpose in my life. I’ve felt so purposeless lately. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing. And perhaps, I don’t really know myself as well as I thought I did after all–but the art of falling in love with yourself has no destination but is always a journey with different layers with big and small victories.
I guess the fact that I came out today to do some soul searching is a small victory for me today. Love you all, always. All around the World, wherever you are. If there is something about my journey that you want to hear more about or have questions about life or love, hit me up and I’d be happy to write about it. I’m not perfect, but I definitely have insight. xx