They say “you’re so pretty” I know in that moment she meant it. Feels empty when I’ve been the same person all along. It’s so hard to stand still in a crowded room. I wonder how many people truly feel as sad as I do. I sit by the river because it doesn’t judge me and I’m never too much. It floats by merrily, a powerful yet unassuming force. When I’m alone and in nature I feel safer, even if I’m just a ways away down by the river. Anything is better than being forced to see everything I’m not by seeing everything you are—at least on the outside. Why do we wear masks? My soul is crushed with in me but I wear a big smile and try to get out of myself and entertain or bring laughter or encouragement. Even from my brokenness I give. I wonder how I never run out when I feel so empty. Im afraid I’ll be the only one that loves me. Im stuck with me, for better or for worse. Those that are closest to me waver in their affection for me and lovers never stay. I either push them away or push them away. I’ve lived this life for as long as I can remember and the same cycles of crash and burn, stumble and fall, and self loathe and never satisfied play out like a truly sad movie that nobody would ever want to watch. So uncomfortable. New layers of shock, horror, pain, confusion, darkness, followed by short little bursts of light and happiness. I wish I could cut the reel and rewrite my story but we are only as capable as we are capable. Some times you have to endure and grow before you are able to change. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know why my life is the way it is. Why did I get this lot in life and why did I make the choices I did? Why are the cards I’ve been dealt mine to handle? It feels like I’m in a hyperbaric chamber while I watch everyone live their “best life” what is that anyway?
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