this makes no [expletive] sense

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dear god, make me a bird, so i can fly, far far away – forest gump

remember when life was one big fat adventure? i remember waking up at quarter to seven and waiting until the digital numbers on the microwave turned to 08:00 so I could run outside and play, whether mom was up or not. i remember the smell of the grass in the spring time, collecting blades on the bottom of my feet or whatever tennies I had on for the day. I remember showing up to whatever form of flesh was anywhere in my vicinity by twirling and playing gymnastics on the swingset, even though i had no idea what i was doing. I was a master gymnast. i was the most beautiful girl in the neighborhood, or at least the most interesting. i was a boss at garage tennis and solo ping pong. i remember being a little girl and looking at myself in the mirror wondering wishing and wistfully thinking about what i would look like as a grown woman. if i would have known that adulthood would be so difficult and disappointing more than i’d like to admit, i would have held onto those days a little tighter. i set out looking for caskets to describe the weight on my chest, but i don’t need one because i’m already suffocating six feet under. save your red roses for me, because life is just one long simile, you’re so valuable as a twenty five cent plastic ring. that’s the way the world treats one another. have you ever felt so uncomfortable in your own skin? has your mind every felt like an anvil around your dome where you would give anything to take a needle to prick the tension and release the pressure? probably not. have you ever loved so much you gave your soul away only to watch it run off with disregard? have you ever had the carpet pulled out from under you only to find yourself alone and hating yourself worse than before? i was fine before you. i didn’t ever need you, and if we are honest, you needed me. i should hate you and the love i had for you should instantaneously die, but it’s well alive. it’s embers are burning in hidden dark places of my soul and i hate you for that. i hate you for being another thief in the night, robbing me. i will  never let another do the same thing that you’ve done. you will never forget me. as much as i’ve dreamed about you, you will dream of me. i will haunt you long after my heart and soul are gone. you will have nobody to blame and face but yourself. your lies. your deception. your secrets. your character and integrity. she may take you back and accept that level of disrespect, but that aint me honey. you wont see this so it doesn’t even matter, but i know my god and he is good. nobody can touch gods anointed and i am one of them. i lost myself. i’m lost again. i’m stuck to the ground and no amount of love and care will take me and pick me up from this [expletive] my mind is in a mess. i’m out of options. i don’t have the luxury of having help whenever i need it. it’s sad in america you have to either be a complete bum or absolutely wealthy to get the help you need. i’m not even getting into politics right now. god bless everyone on this planet. free write [expletive]. it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. i just need to pound the pavement of my laptop because it’s my only piece of dignity i have left in my life. i don’t have a career, i don’t have money, i don’t have a love, i don’t have a family of my own.. but i have my [expletive] brain and my writing and my website and my group and my dream and my vision and nobody can take that away from me. nobody.

here’s to future joy.

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