`you are my ethereal, you are the place I’ve always dreamed of but never knew I could ever find. I never knew I could love someone so easily and effortlessly–but it comes together naturally, classically. You are air to my lungs, in a world that hurts to breathe in. You are safety in a maze of danger, even if I get lost, I know you will find me and tuck me in securely–your words not mine. I’m writing this out loud to you, because I know my words are powerful and bring life to you. The sun is shining and against all odds, 50/50, we are on our way to the wildest adventure yet. Every day with you is like getting your favorite present over and over again, except the new car smell never wears off. Through the highest of highs and grappling through our differences, I am pleased to find that we compliment each other so well. You hold me, whispering that I am the dimple to your smile. You are effortlessly sexy. I breathe you in and I feel peace. I’ve looked for peace in every place I’ve been before you, but you are the only respite I’ve found in this dreary world. You tell me I deserve to have a man like you, that it’s time for me to receive the gift of a man who will love me and take care of me, everything my daddy prayed for. You tell me I am the beat to your heart and the water drops down my body and your lips dance with mine. I look in my future and I see a blurry photo of you, because you can never be so sure–but I can see it, baby. I can see us being happy together and laughing through life and it’s twists and turns together just like we do today. You make me smile and you tell me you love when you see me smile. I am so blessed to walk beside you. What did I do to get so lucky in love? I always wanted to be blessed in love but I never thought it would happen to me. I remember reading someone write once, “If you were to ask me if I’d be happy in a few years, I would have laughed at you” something like that. I feel like this is becoming the story of my life. You are the joy that I wouldn’t have ever believed I would have in my life and I am literally LIVING it.
You know, now I’m unhappy. It’s funny how things can go from being so happy and in love to feeling elation over such a huge decision and now things feel uncertain and confusing. What the actual hell. What do you actually want from me? You are the one that asked me to be your girlfriend and you act like you aren’t even sure about your own decisions. I’m so annoyed right now. You said it would be interesting to write about my experiences in the hospital so here you go. In there, I met someone who I loved. I didn’t love him in a romantic way, although he was so incredibly sweet and made me feel unbelievably and indelibly special. He left this earth early and it wasn’t my choice. He reached out to me before he did it. I loved the hospital as much as I equally hated it. I enjoyed the attentiveness of my loved ones and the staff. It was nice to be so taken care of and monitored all the time. I knew that I would be in good hands. It was dangerous at times because some people reacted in aggression and their conflicts would explode out in the open. Those moments didn’t feel safe, but I knew I was always in a controlled environment. I loved when my family visited, bringing me my requested goods. I remember the pink doctor scholls socks that my mom brought me. I still wear them to remind me of those days. It’s kind of like a comfort blanket. I wish I had Karim’s monkey that he gave me, because it was so amazing that he made time to come visit me in my time of need. I never had anyone drop their schedule and be there for me. I remember calling Marzena and she told people about me and I felt so ashamed when I came back. I’m so glad that she is out of my life. I poured so much into that relationship and gave so much of myself professionally. I would have done anything for her and she had to have known it. She was so hard on me but in the end it was so bitter sweet for her to lose me. I know she still probably uses me as an example, even without saying my name. That’s fine, she can do that. I was her pet, but really I was just myself and I did a damn good job and I adapted well to her requests. I wanted to work so well with her and make her proud. I wanted to make her life easy, and I know that it was a bumpy route, but at the end of the day I know that I won. I’m so annoyed right now, I know I shouldn’t be fighting with you, but I’m so frustrated. I wish I knew how to do relationships. I feel like things are going to get really complicated because I don’t do relationships very well. I am so bad at them. I self sabotage and ruin everything–if not through my natural emotions, through my forced personality or some other awful factor about myself. I’m safe when I’m alone because I don’t have to show anyone my vulnerabilities and nobody gets hurt. It’s so much easier to hurt by myself. It’s not easy for me to let myself show to other people, but you challenge me to not let things inside of me die. I really appreciate that about you. Honestly, I’m grateful for you for that. You really push me outside of my comfort zones and I know that I do the same for you. I don’t know why it’s so much easier to push you away and hurt you, but you are literally the last person I want to hurt. I seriously hurt when I hurt you. I don’t feel good about it. I wish I knew how to tell you how I am really feeling right now. Maybe I’ll just hold your hand.
If you happen to get there before me, leave a message in the dust for me. …I’ll be waiting for you on the dark side of the moon –Dark Side Of The Moon by Lil Wayne
*written over a period of 24 hours and thirty minutes to write. i’m posting this because of it’s significance to me and i hope you can find meaning to it in some way, despite it mainly being for myself. xxo a.