a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

If I was laying on the operating table, and this was a soul check appointment I imagine the dr would draw dash dash lines down my sternum. The light would shine down on me and as my chest is cut open and my heart lay bare you would see the fleshly ridges of scar tissue of heartbreak and the scar tissue that formed as I was forced to heal. You would see an enlarged heart, beating full, fast and passionately–true to form all the days of my life. The invisible made visible would reveal healing progress in my soul. It’s like all white and purposefully at work in my soul at all times, this slow and burning fire that is cleansing all unrighteousness and dealing with the hardened parts of my heart, broken pieces of my heart, the cracks in my soul and foundation…like a soft glowing fire delicately frolicking over the coals in a hearth. It’s Him, not him. And He’s here. He showed up one day when my head was down low and I was spent, broke on hope and disoriented in the pointlessness of my aimless wandering. I don’t know why I picked up the book again. I guess I do, because I now more deeply know my God. I began to read a chapter a day of the Gospel of Luke. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. I began to walk down a common path or so I thought, but nothing about His rescue plan was common. Today I bow in reverence, worshiping Him as I lift my head to let Him knowing that it would never be enough. I could never in this lifetime or the next praise Him enough. These days I lay myself upon the table, doing my best to let my beloved examine me, heal me and reveal His plans and purposes for my life. It could have been scary, but I look up at His careful hands and look into His eyes of love. I feel cared for and supported, while deeply vulnerable. I see myself changing, I look at these hands and see my eyes stare back at me in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m becoming more of the woman I am meant to be, and the clarity and health in my soul pour forth out of my eyes like high beams. I feel I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of this massive iceberg. I’ve fought and clawed my way for decades to just the dream of something like this, to reach this precipice, but it came to me when I wasn’t looking. I was at the end of my rope. I can’t tell you why God’s ways and timing are the way they are, but I can testify that they are true, real, faithful, trustworthy, powerful and unlike anything I’ve experienced in my lifetime. He says I am hidden. He has put me into a cocoon. I am shedding dead things. I am being healed and made whole. I can’t wait for you to see me and my butterfly wings. God can do in an instant what would take a lifetime. I don’t have the answer for you but I know who does. I can’t tell you how to fix your fears, how to solve the things that weigh you down, I don’t have the wisdom to answer life’s most complicated matters, but I know who DOES. I know who CAN. And when I tell you He can handle everything, help with everything, heal everything, restore everything, redeem everything, and be with you through everything–I mean it. Not because it’s cute, but because I’ve lived through it. I am living proof of God’s goodness to the most undeserving. And this millionth of a chance, I am not taking lightly. Thank you Jesus for everything, for saving me, for forgiving me and for never giving up on me even when I gave up on us because of all my anger, frustration, doubt, fear. You have rescued me, saved me truly, and have given me not only new life but true and deep healing that I never was able to achieve on my own. I’m grateful for the whole person I am becoming. I am grateful for the deepest purest level of healing I have ever felt in my entire life. I am so grateful for you, even for the challenge that comes with going deeper. I may not be ready for all you have for me, but I know I am being prepared and although it is truly a journey and a process, I am doing my best. And I thank you for the grace that you have for me when I fall short, or delay my obedience, or deal with the battlefield that is the mind. Thank you for your will which will be done in my life, amen. 

Psalm 18:20-24 God made my life complete

    when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

    He gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways;

    I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

    I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

    and I’m watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

** I would be remiss if I didn’t share the way to begin a relationship with God.

For one, He has been with  you all your life, and He is here now. He loves you with an everlasting and unconditional love, trust me I KNOW THIS, I do not deserve the love that He has shown me when I have wandered from Him and the truth. But He has been patient to pursue me and accept me back. Every. Single. Time. All you have to do is turn to Him, and He will meet you exactly where you are at. No matter WHAT you have done, what you struggle with, where you are at in life…. Doesn’t matter. He died for you. Just to get to know you. You are His precious child. When we come to Jesus, we are broken, imperfect and sinful–we are human. He knew this when He died for you! Just turn back to Him and share your heart with Him. It’s that simple. Ask Him to come into your life, to help you, tell Him what’s been on your heart, what’s hurting, broken, and been bothering you. He will hear you. He will be there. Ask Him to show up in your life, to fill you with His Holy Spirit, and to help you live your life for Him. It’s the best prayer you could ever pray and not only does God show up and become a part of your life, but you have a friend, advocate and FORGIVER for all of your sin and eternal life. The best free gift ever given to all of humanity. The purest love you could ever have in this life and the life to come. 

You are loved

X Ali

2 responses to “a royal diadem in the hand of your God.”

  1. Thank you for sharing so bravely. Where is that portrait from, it is stunning!!!??


    1. Thank you 🤍 I found it on Pinterest where I find most of my post photos from!


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