Blank

They say “you’re so pretty” I know in that moment she meant it. Feels empty when I’ve been the same person all along. It’s so hard to stand still in a crowded room. I wonder how many people truly feel as sad as I do. I sit by the river because it doesn’t judge me and I’m never too much. It floats by merrily, a powerful yet unassuming force. When I’m alone and in nature I feel safer, even if I’m just a ways away down by the river. Anything is better than being forced to see everything I’m not by seeing everything you are—at least on the outside. Why do we wear masks? My soul is crushed with in me but I wear a big smile and try to get out of myself and entertain or bring laughter or encouragement. Even from my brokenness I give. I wonder how I never run out when I feel so empty. Im afraid I’ll be the only one that loves me. Im stuck with me, for better or for worse. Those that are closest to me waver in their affection for me and lovers never stay. I either push them away or push them away. I’ve lived this life for as long as I can remember and the same cycles of crash and burn, stumble and fall, and self loathe and never satisfied play out like a truly sad movie that nobody would ever want to watch. So uncomfortable. New layers of shock, horror, pain, confusion, darkness, followed by short little bursts of light and happiness. I wish I could cut the reel and rewrite my story but we are only as capable as we are capable. Some times you have to endure and grow before you are able to change. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know why my life is the way it is. Why did I get this lot in life and why did I make the choices I did? Why are the cards I’ve been dealt mine to handle? It feels like I’m in a hyperbaric chamber while I watch everyone live their “best life” what is that anyway?

dot dot dot

Standard

The Dip

7abc1a2df3b73c72a72ec4ea0af6e5fe

This is my first post of 2018 and I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I am going to be completely transparent and real with you. In the past few years I have slept most of my life away, sat through grueling therapy sessions, and spent six months in a group therapy program. I’ve moved out on my own, not without it’s challenges but I’ve kept my head above the water every step of the way. I have had moments where I felt like I was going to give up and hurt myself, but I never let myself believe that was a viable option. I went from a rising star in my career that afforded me unbelievable leverage at a very high corporate level, to falling into the pit of hell, enduring moments I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I lost a good friend to suicide, someone who I’d give a lot to have back in my life for moments where I need clarity. I went from being in a completely unhealthy place short of insanity to where even at times my will was not my own–to climbing out of the grave my illness tried to dig up for me. It’s been bitter cold–burn your fingers off cold digging and clawing my way up. Through all of the muck, I found that I had lost my identity. This is still true today. I’ve turned into something and someone I don’t even recognize. Boring, uninspired, unchallenged and so much of my soul dies when those things aren’t fulfilled in my life. I feel like I can’t get those things from other people and I know that I have to start fulfilling those things in my own life. I am the only person that can make and keep me happy after all. Over time I have become more and more healthy. I’m re-evaluating what I really believe and what I find to be true and what is my truth. I’m realizing it’s okay to not fit into boxes that people or religion wants to fit into. I can feel other people judging me and assessing how I do or don’t live up to what they expect from someone in their life, but I am realizing that by measuring myself by their standards I am losing my individuality and compromising my happiness in life. I don’t know if I want to be here, or where I want to be, but I know a few things I want to do this year. I want to travel more. I want to legitimately save up and go outside of this country this year. I want to spend more time with God and myself. I want to romance myself and fall in love with myself through soul searching and really figuring out who I really am. I know who I am and I’m confident, but I got caught up in putting my identity in the wrong places. It’s so easy to build your identity around your career as if that’s what makes you valuable and successful–but really my marriage and divorce to my career showed me that all that I put into that wasn’t the point. It was the people I touched along the way. But we all seek to validate ourselves to ourselves and even to others and careers and money and fame and influence are all misleading places to put our worth. I have to decide who I want to be and how I want to live out my remaining life. There are a million ways this thing could go and I don’t want to just give in to the ease of settling for whatever comes along. I’ve been doing that for two years and it’s horrible. I’m not happy in this town, but I know if I don’t become happy with myself here I wont be happy anywhere. We can run far and fast but we can never outrun ourselves because we are always with ourself–we can’t outrun our problems, because they will always follow us. I love adrenaline seeking adventures, so I will have to figure out how to fulfill them. I’d love to skydive over blue water, perhaps the Belize Blue Hole or in Hawaii–maybe the air up there will be warmer haha. I love rollercoasters and I need to be sure to ride so many this summer. I know my biggest priority is getting back to a healthy and in shape self. It’s really sad that people put so much on looks and body shape and I don’t think my worth should be judged by it, but it has been. Regardless, I want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my body. It’s important, regardless of what other people expect of me. I used to be so good at writing but sometimes I think all the medications make me boring and my work seems lackluster. I feel like I wont even post this either, but I probably will because I spent time on it–but I think it’s not worth reading. That’s okay, I’ll get better at it. I want to figure out what kind of book I can write. I’ve had a few ideas but haven’t followed through. I’m really bad at this. in 2015, Adored Above had 2,971 views and 1,294 visitors and over 1,100 visitors the previous years. Last year I had 424 visitors with 1,386 views. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years. I know they don’t understand the changes going on inside of me or how I feel about myself or my illness. Some of them I’ve done damage to cause them to leave and for that I’m sorry and I admit it’s my fault. Some of it could have been controlled, but I’m sure a lot of it couldn’t have been. Maybe people were more interested because they were more engaged in my life because of the way I projected myself–I wanted to present my best self but underneath the surface I was lost and trying to be something I saw others being and thought that’s what it looks like to be influential. Regardless of all of that, and the numbers and statistics, I don’t do this for attention. Sure we all love affirmation and I do love attention, but despite my human nature, I really want to live a BIG life doing BIG things that help people in BIG ways. I want an outlet to put my work out there and I also want to do something meaningful. I want to change peoples lives, even if it’s just telling them I’ve been through hell and that they can hold on just a little longer, that they too can come out at the other end standing tall. It is not easy. It sometimes takes baby steps and other times it take leaps of faith–not to sound cliche. I know my journey to health wasn’t linear. Sometimes it felt like it wasn’t progressing at all. Sometimes wisdom was just to rest. A lot of times that was the best decision for me and sometimes the safest feeling. Then there became this nagging feeling that would come over me. I knew I wasn’t being productive and I was capable. I was getting bored with all the time I had on my hands. Nothing seemed appealing though. I finally started looking for jobs. I’m still in process for that, but it feels good to start to have some purpose in my life. I’ve felt so purposeless lately. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing. And perhaps, I don’t really know myself as well as I thought I did after all–but the art of falling in love with yourself has no destination but is always a journey with different layers with big and small victories.

 

I guess the fact that I came out today to do some soul searching is a small victory for me today. Love you all, always. All around the World, wherever you are. If there is something about my journey that you want to hear more about or have questions about life or love, hit me up and I’d be happy to write about it. I’m not perfect, but I definitely have insight. xx

Standard

Musings on a train

Sweat beads off the hills of my cheek. I wipe it off like the smile I hide when I turn in at night. I hold back deep, dried out wells of tears. I can’t bring myself to heave and sob like I did when I cried out to God. Instead, I tell myself to turn up the song on the radio to drown out the thoughts of you that try to flood my mind. You’re just another replica of an empty promise, frustration, and heartache to carry around me until I can let go. I try to fill you with textbook perfect men. They soften my edges but they don’t fill the hollow hole where I first decided you’d reside. You’re not perfect. You’re far from it. But something in me wanted to find love and discover everything else I could with you. My soul breathed fresh air when we collided. For a second I thought my soul met its mate. It was instantaneous. Everything I wasn’t looking for, suddenly becoming everything I want. But now you are far away scaling mountains and I have to keep my heart untethered. And all my loves come crashing down. I’m certain of all of them I am better off now. Then I think of the man I will one day meet, who won’t have an anything but a burden to know and love me. I sit tight, breathe in love for myself and continue falling into deeper realms of self-freedom. Are you my serendipity? Probably not, but we shall see.

(the answer to that, is no, definitely not)

Standard

Wide Open Spaces of Grace

ac060655f8d11002314419e38ec9e00d

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
.Robert Frost.
I’m pretty sure that life is an enigma that I will never fully understand. When I compare myself to the journeys of others, my life seems like a complicated, unsolved math problem–that makes absolutely little sense to me and no sense whatsoever to others. I love to hate math and I know a lot of people who would agree with me. There’s always that inside joke that mentions how little of the math skills we use post-high school–but really. I was watching an episode of Doomsday Preppers, shockingly my first episode and probably my last. However, there was a lot of math behind all of the work that was being done to carefully construct these doomsday projects that would hopefully preserve their life in the somewhat unlikely event of an apocalypse. You never know, but I watched on as one of the men used a tape measure unlike I’d ever seen it been used before to measure the ground of his property. I guess there is a use for math in the world sometimes.
I often wonder about the complexities of my life. Sometimes it seems like for a great stretch, I’m perfectly in the will of God and I’m moving forward and making especially great progress. I suppose overall I am making progress. I know when I look back over the years and see how much I’ve changed and what I now know, I am grateful for God’s sovereignty, opening doors for me and deepening my maturation. But, when I look at the road before me, unless I’m living life a certain way or doing what I think I should be doing, which sometimes feels unauthentic to me, I don’t feel like I’m quite going in the right direction–sometimes I feel like I’m just stuck on the river with my motor shut down and I’m drifting at the mercy of the river that I can not control. I live on a river. It’s not always easy to see the accurate speed of the current below the water–but when the water bloats and rises, water is often stuck racing through the dock, trees, and stones once uncovered. I often feel like life is like that sometimes. It’s almost like a lack of clarity and depth perception with your direction–like a fried gps system of very little use.
Living a life where you are called to greatness, have a vision, dream and plan for your life–but have a disability that severely alters your reality you often succumb to fear because you don’t know what is truth anymore. Your line of vision can get blurry and lead you in the wrong direction. You think you have a lead, but as you begin chasing it you fall victim to yet again another failed idea and again find yourself searching for your purpose all over again. Are my ideas really good enough? What passions and dreams should I be pursuing? Am I living up to my calling? What road do I need to be on to get there.
I’m not going to insert a Jesus line here, because I very well could regurgitate the sermon on Sunday which very simply talked about prayer and reading the Word. Those are extremely important and I recommend them. I think I’d rather just land on a place that speaks to the person in the journey. I saw an image of a woman walking through a forest and she was lost. In compassion, God just showed me a simple truth of just getting back on the path. Maybe that is a Jesus answer, but I did see this imagery for this piece which I haven’t really incorporated. I guess sometimes we hold on to things that God has already forgotten about. We probably place unnecessary stress and expectation on ourselves. One of my old friends once told me that the will of God is becoming more and more like Jesus. One thing I’ve learned in surrender, which is still a work in progress and probably always will be–is that I think God cares less about where we get to and more about who we are becoming. Of course there are dreams, passions, plans and a calling–all that is part of the journey, but I find that God is most interested in us.
So my life is a beautiful hot mess. So I have done amazing things and now I celebrate making the bed. Times have changed and my season is different but I serve the same God that still wants to be in relationship with me. In this season He has spoken that NOW is the time, and that I must REST. He has also spoken that these days are my TRAINING GROUNDS. I may not be where I want to be, but I need to remember that God is more gracious than I can comprehend. I’m not in a race to become someone or something. There is a benefit of resting and learning, before becoming. His ways are higher than our ways. So whenever you feel off the path a little, keep it simple sweet heart. Keep close to Jesus and you will have everything you need. He will show you everything you need to know and will tell you when you need to know it. It’s as simple as just coming back to Him. One of my favorite Pastors recently said that all we need to do is keep sprinting back to Jesus. Every time.
I am going to do something I feel like I haven’t done before on Adored. I want to model to you what I’m talking about, because it’s not as complicated as we make it–and I feel like I’m not sure if I’m on the perfect path, but I’m trying and I want to tell God, I need Him and want to be right with Him.
Jesus,
I need you.
I feel like I’m doing my best, but someday s I wonder if I’m just making excuses for myself. I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I pray you would really very clearly show me. I’m sorry for the ways I’ve failed you lately and honestly, I know you love and forgive me, but because of how much I love you–I’m not proud of myself. I just ask that you’d cover me in your love and grace and get me back on the right path. Help me to know when to go, when to stop, when to rest. Help me to seek first the kingdom, your righteousness because I KNOW that’s when you add all things I need to my life. Please provide for me, bless me & keep me in everything I do. Amen.
p.s. remember that walking with God is not a tight rope. it’s a field that’s filled with wide open spaces of graces (someone once told me that, and it’s stuck) xx a.
Standard

not finished yet

 

IMG_3007

Kindness is an act of benevolence. So if being kind is one of the purest forms of altruism, why am I afraid? We’ve been conditioned to distrust from as early as our ability to comprehend and respond. Don’t talk to strangers they said, use the buddy system we were told. I find the line of wisdom and extravagant love is hard to walk, and often break every rule to satiate the latter. How could someone who possesses the same structural beating heart as I, have the [potential] culpability to commit such evil and heinous acts? In seven days a baby is shot in the face, an armed robbery is committed at a cemetery and someone is brutally beaten up at a Church, yet this is the same city I am struggling to love. How can I live within such close proximity to blood and mire, yet not see it face to face. Maybe I have looked you in your eyes as you have passed by me, not knowing the demons behind your irises. Maybe we shared an awkward stop light, where I couldn’t see through your darkly tinted windows. Shiny rims and flashy cars are like souped up taxis speeding through town delivering toxic delicacies. Day after day injustices plague our city and I know full and well I’ll have to risk my life to make a difference. For now, I’ll be curt when you stare a little too long as I try to figure if you will harm me or are stuttering because you are more like me than someone with bad intentions. I’ll cautiously and discretely size you up because I’m a female I instinctively distrust men for good reason. But know, the soul on fire within me wants to extend my hand and believe the absolute best in you regardless, bottom line.

Standard

Killswitch

fullsizeoutput_1124

They want a pretty girl, a quiet girl–someone who blends into a riot world.

They want a Jesus girl, a peaceful girl, a go-with-the-flow, straight up meek-like girl.

They want a square to fit into a square kind of girl, don’t make a sound kind of girl, be careful don’t make waves kind of girl.

They want a girl who isn’t ‘me’ kind of girl.

She’s a loud girl, can’t hear too well girl, sometimes she dwells girl.

She never fit in with the crowd girl, plays with the line kind of girl.

She’s a wild girl, independent and can’t be tamed kind of girl–everybody can steal her heart kind of girl, but won’t settle kind of girl.

She’s the one who holds the killswitch, shuts it down kind of girl.

She’ll tell you straight to your face, take it straight to the dome. She doesn’t mess around kind of girl, aint tryna be clowned type of girl.

Her eyes are wide open, she’s awake and aware–see’s what you’re doing and wont fall into your snares type of girl.

She’ll keep it so real you check your own self, challenge your own reality kind of girl.

She’s a lady above all else, check a brother so quick he forgets himself.

She doesn’t trust many, doesn’t trust you or your nanny.

She lives in her own little oyster, knows what she likes and how she likes it–doesn’t waste time or resources, but is resourceful and rises above every challenge.

Let me break it down to you like this….

I’ve toed the line for far too long, the line of graceful eloquence with a pinch of bad. I’ve stayed quiet for convenience and acceptance when I wanted to scream the truth, my truth, for far too long. Say goodbye to the girl you thought you knew–pictures strewn on social media portraying a person I’m not because she was a hollow shell of the woman emerging–she’s constantly evolving. It will get ugly before you see the beauty, in all of its finished glory. I’m a time bomb, a ticking clock, ready to explode like a cake falling in the oven over the slightest bump. I’m full of anger, full of rage, sometimes it’s funneled and sometimes uncontained. I’m full of intellect, intelligence, ambition, and drive–I’ll be the first person at the end of the day to surprise you and surpass you. Intellectually competent, beautiful inside and out, driven to success are proven ingredients in my DNA. This is just one step in my journey, I might be lost but I’m not down for the count–and I’m most certainly not OUT. You want to diss me and dismiss me, but you don’t know the warrior inside of me and the strength she possesses. Like the star on a bristling tree, I will shine for all the World to see one day and I believe you will live to see it.

Till then I’ll keep every one of you on your toes, wanting and grasping for more, but you’ll never have me. You’ll be grasping at the mist, as I’m off and onto the next twist.

xoxo

Standard