I’m finding it difficult to put into words exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve sat on this all day and I’ve even tried to write my heart out earlier and to no avail. I got halfway through the piece and realized it was not what I wanted to say. Sometimes I have to just stop myself and ask myself, “What are you trying to say? …Just say it.” Which seems silly. You’d think I’d just write whatever it is I’m trying to say at the moment, but it’s harder than that.
So I went to bed last night around 9pm and here I am up at 3am. Two Starbucks refrigerator frappuccino’s later, here I am sitting under the glow of my computer trying to craft again. This time I’m going to let it all out and say exactly what’s on my heart.
Have you ever felt completely mixed up? I’m talking about your entire life getting thrown upside down and shaken for all it’s got? What about lost in translation? Stick stuck? Disoriented? Sadly, these are all very real words to describe how I’m feeling and what I’m going through lately. I must admit I’m generally one of the strongest people I know. I don’t say that to boast whatsoever, but with everything I’ve endured I’m generally very resilient and capable. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and perhaps my worst quality is that I let my emotions get the best of me, but I’m still usually very durable & strong. However, sometimes in life you get thrown a curve ball and you don’t really know what to make of it or how to take it. I wish I could tell you everything that’s going on but I must spare some of the details for the sake of respecting those involved; besides this isn’t a diary. I think Adelle said it best when she talked about turning tables. It just feels like everything in my life is shifting and being shaken up. Six months ago, my life looked very different from what it looks like now. I never imagined my heart getting so wrenched by so many different things. It’s that feeling of being out of control of all of the change going on in my life that makes it so difficult. I’m one of those people that takes comfort in having a handle on things, and when I can no longer have my hand on a matter it makes things uneasy for me. For those of you who have followed my posts, I’ve talked a lot about trusting God and waiting for the next steps. Well it’s hard to do that when you start seeing shifts in everything around you. Everything, and I mean everything, in my life is undergoing huge maintenance and construction. I feel like I’m walking on shaky ground and that’s not a feeling any of us like. I feel like all the pieces of my life are moving in different directions simultaneously and I’m watching parts of my heart break away from my chest and walk away from me and this is the hardest thing to sit back and take in. Some of the nearest and dearest things in my life are transitioning out, and knowing this is about to occur is almost heart breaking. We can never be fully prepared for all of life’s changes an adjustments. Some of them we take better than others, and other times we just have to take them in stride, watching while our heart breaks and we are left in confusion and uncertainty. And some things just rip your heart right out of your chest. For me, those things are just reminders of things that never belonged in my life anyway. Let it burn. Let it remind me of how much better I deserve. Let it sting. I can take the pain. I’m stronger than that. But yet I’m still human, and I hurt. It’s hard to watch it unfold before my eyes, especially when you can sense it happening or beginning to happen. Can you tell I’m a grab bag of emotions? Well I am and that’s okay. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and as if I’m not already strong enough. It’s these moments in life you have to maintain your sense of humor. You can’t reflect too deeply on the past, because it has already came and went. It will never be again. You have to keep your eyes steadily on the future and remain hopeful. Sometimes it’s hard in spite of difficult circumstances, I understand that. But what else can you do? Do you wallow in pity over things you can not control, only further contributing to your misery? No! You think about the great and glorious things that are yet to come. For me, he’s my knight in shining armor, you know the man on the white horse who will come and sweep me off my feet and adore me to pieces. It’s his smile and perfect teeth. It’s his height and bright eyes and huge tender heart. It’s the eyes of my future children. It’s the masses I will look out unto as I speak and preach. It’s the books that I will see lined on shelves with the NYTimes Best selling title attached to them. It’s my future home in the country with hardwood floors and beautiful trim. It’s getting on a plane and traveling to exciting new destinations. The best is yet to come, my friends. It’s important for you to not only dream of your future but to set your dreams to plans, setting goals to get you to these land marks. For me, I’m writing goals down and dreaming. I was talking to a friend who writes these boards (you know who you are 😉 ) And he writes down his visions and looks at them every day. He said he’s made almost every single one of his goals/visions but a few. Think of the power in that. Write the vision down, so that those may see it, may run with it. I want to run with visions and live a purposeful life. So things are changing. So things look bleak. So I feel stuck. I might feel stuck, but I’m not stuck. I’m still moving. This very post shows I’m still moving. I may be down, but I’m not out. These shiftings and shakings are only a sign of things that are to come. They are only a symptom of movement and change that will make a way for bigger, better and brighter things to come. So I am going to set my eyes on things unseen, until those things are seen. Tomorrow is one step closer to my destiny than I was the day before and for that I will take hope in. Let’s hang on for just a little while and see our dreams turn into realities. Never stop dreaming. Never give up hope. Tomorrow will be bigger, better & brighter.
xoxo Alicia Barkley